The Bleach Fanfiction Awards!
by Meulin's Disciple
Summary: An awards show based off of some observations I've made based off of Bleach fanfiction I have read. Crazy and strange awards, and random events are all here! With me as the host, anything can happen, and it will! Rated "M" for safety. My first Crack-fic.
1. First Bleachy

_**A/N:** Hiya peoples. I'll try not to make this too long, but PLEASE READ THE ENTIRE AUTHOR'S NOTE._

_Okay; here's the deal. I had the idea for this one day and i just HAD to go through with it. This fic is rated "M" for safety, ya know, just to play it safe cuz some of this will deal with stuff not suitable for the "T" rating. There will be warnings for what each chapter will contain that pertaining to the "M" rating._

_And because people continue asking me to update my other stories, I will_ _put here the reason(s) I have yet to update them._

_**Eternity Shadows:** Honestly, I've had writers block regarding this story and as of yet, I have ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA where i want to go from where I left off. So, to the readers of "Eternity Shadows" i deeply apologize for the nearly year-long lack of updates. But do not fret, for once inspiration strikes I'll be sure to continue._

_**The Rain Never Ends:** To be perfectly honest, i had chapter 7 almost done, but some shit happened to the chapter, which I had all saved nicely; somehow, some of the text was replaced with strange symbols and it said something about restoration data regarding other documents. I'm not gonna lie: I was, and still am, really pissed off about that, but what can i do? All I CAN do is scrap the chapter and start it from scratch. This recent event has me somewhat discouraged, but once I get an idea of how to rewrite the chapter, you can be sure that I will follow through. Again, I'm gonna be honest here: I actually wasn't too happy with chapter 7, so perhaps it is a blessing rather than a curse that this happened._

_**Warnings for This Chapter:** Not too explicit rape, not too explicit masturbation, cursing, some OOC-ness, mentions of yaoi and yuri (and i MEAN just mentions. I'm just putting this as a warning to be safe. Be assured that there is no actual yaoi/yuri__ in this fic... or at least this chapter. If I decide to put yaoi and/or yuri in this fic, it will be nonexplicit, but there will not actually be any yaoi/yuri pairings in this story. Maybe a kiss, but thats about it and only if I have the audience dare them to do it. -laughs evilly-) and total and utter crack!_

_**Important Note!!!:** Somehow, I have a feeling that this story may offend some people (some parts give me this feeling of possibly offending some of the people who read this), but PLEASE DO NOTE, that **ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING IN THIS STORY THAT MAY CAUSE OFFENSE IS NOT MEANT TO DO SO AND IS ONLY IN THIS STORY FOR PURPOSES OF HUMOR AND ENTERTAINMENT. If something in this story offends you, I deeply apologize ahead of time.**_

_**Important Note 2!!!:** Pairings will be present in this story, but there won't be that much romance and fluff although it will still be there. And do note that not all pairings in this fic will be mentioned in the first chapter._

_**Pairings:** Ulquiorra/Orihime, Shunsui/Nanao, Ichigo/Rukia, Toshiro/Momo, Gin/Rangiku, Kisuke/Yoruichi_

_Ok. I think that about covers it, so read, enjoy, and I would appreciate it if you would review. ^^_

_

* * *

_

The Bleach characters, shinigami, arrancar, and vizards alike were seated at tables in a setting reminiscent of a restaurant with dim lighting; all of them were dressed in their best dresses and tuxedos (although some continuously complained of having to wear said outfits…). They all chitchatted amongst themselves about some thing or another. The vizards and the arrancar (with a few exceptions) glared at the shinigami and contemplated joining forces with each other although they kept the notion to themselves. Lisa stared dreamily at Shunsui while Nanao glared at her, hissing the word "Mine!" in reference to the aforementioned captain. Ulquiorra barely spared Ichigo a glance before muttering "Idiotic trash." quietly, although it was loud enough for Ichigo to hear.

"What'd you call me?" the substitute shinigami challenged.

"I'm quite certain what I said was within your hearing range." Ulquiorra challenged calmly.

"You wanna take this outsi—"

"Ichigo, no fights before the ceremony's over; you promised!" Rukia chided, grabbing his arm.

Ichigo opened his mouth to protest, but the look on Rukia's face made him stop whatever he was about to say. "Fine," he conceded, "but only because it was you asking."

Ulquiorra turned back to the other person joining him at the table. "I apologize, Orihime. I also made a promise you that I would refrain from starting any physical conflict."

Orihime smiled and grabbed his hand, stroking the top of it with her thumb, silently accepting his apology.

Everything looked so _perfect_!

…

Time to fuck it up!

I, a young woman of about sixteen with cat ears, two cat tails (both the ears and tails had blue fur), long green hair, and blue eyes sauntered casually across the stage. My long brown and black skirt (well-complimented by my white spaghetti strap top and sleeve-like gloves that started out normally and end up hanging in a fashion similar to the sleeves on a kimono starting from the lower half of my lower arms, the inner lining being the same brown as the skirt, as well as my white-furred boots) suited me rather well.

"They all look so happy…" I said under my breath contentedly, "Wait… that's not right! Time to get this thing started!" and with that, I put my earplugs in my ears, and took a microphone out from behind my back (I mean _really_! What anime character _can't_ take random things out from behind their backs?). Then, making absolutely sure that no one was aware of my presence, I put the microphone right in front of one of the speakers and the resulting feedback caused a collective "What the fuck?!" from the audience. Satisfied, I took the earplugs out and tossed them God-knows-where, before bringing the microphone to my mouth and speaking.

"Heya peoples! How are we tonight?" I said rather cheerfully.

I was given a more than ecstatic response from the crickets.

"Who the hell are _you_?" Ichigo asked rather rudely after about two minutes of silence.

"I am your lord and master!" I replied, laughing maniacally afterwards, "Well, I pretty much am, considering that I'm the author of this fanfic." I continued after another thirty seconds of silence.

"That's it, we're all doomed…" Enryuu said in his high and squeaky voice.

"Dear God, I _hate_ filler characters!!!… and for the most part, I hate filler episodes too." I complained.

"What about episode two twenty-seven?" Orihime asked.

"I object! Episode two twenty-seven _was_ present in the manga as the Special: Bleach at the Beach!" I shouted as though we were in a court room, "Even if it was only about five pages long, it was _still_ _there_!"

"But—" Enryuu started.

"The court finds in favor of the defendant! Case closed!" I shouted, banging a random gavel against a small round platform on the corner of the podium.

"Where'd you get the gavel from?!" Enryuu squeaked even louder than usual.

"Does it _matter_? Tch…" I said, annoyed before taking a shotgun out of nowhere and shooting Enryuu and the two other annoying filler characters at the table. Everyone stared at me strangely.

"_What_?! I'm the author; I can _do_ that" I justified.

"So when are you telling us why the fuck we're here in the first place?!" Grimmjow snarled.

"Ok, ok! Jeesh!" I mumbled through the microphone, "Spoil my fun, why don't ya? Ok the reason we're here, is for an awards ceremony!!!" I said ecstatically.

"And that is _so_ not what you look like in real life." Ichigo, always the stick in the mud, stated out of nowhere.

"This is my author ego." I defended simply.

"Your _what_???" Ichigo asked, completely baffled.

"Author ego: The form an author takes when physically present in their own works, similar to an alter ego. Term first coined by Alice of the Vanguard." I explained, sounding like a dictionary, and giving a thumbs up.

"Your real name isn't "Alice" either! It's—"

"For someone who asked 'Who the hell are you', you seem to know a lot about me!" I retorted.

"Whatever…" Ichigo mumbled angrily, making sure to include plenty of curse words that I could hear but chose to ignore.

"Anyway! Most of you are nominees! The rest of you are just here 'cause I want you here. Any questions?"

"Well, I—"

"No? Good!" I cheerfully said.

A random spirit boy who was just there dejectedly walked out of the auditorium (after which, he was devoured by a hollow, clearly attracted by the hollow bait in front of the auditorium. Now I wonder who could've put _that_ there… Heh heh…).

"Ok! First award is… 'Character Most Likely to be Raped in a Bleach Fanfiction'!"

"What kinda shit award is _that_?!" Grimmjow blurted out.

"It's _my_ shit award, thank you very much. Thought of it all by myself!" I said proudly.

"Stupid ass bi—"

"Nominees are: You know her as the cliché damsel-in-distress of Bleach, the first nominee is… Orihime Inoue!!!" I shouted in a grandiose fashion.

Orihime squealed with excitement, "I'm a nominee, Orra-kun! A nominee!" before running up to the stage. Ulquiorra facepalmed.

"She _does_ know that an award for being the most-raped character in fanfiction is a _bad_ thing… right?" he deadpanned to himself.

"The darkly sexy emo clown of the Espada, we know him, we love him, we'd _kill_ to have him if Orihime didn't already 'cause they're just _that_ awesome together: Ulquiorra Schiffer!!!"

Ulquiorra silently made his way to the stage, utterly stunned and sent a I'm-going-to-completely-obliterate-you-if-you-don't-stop glare to Grimmjow upon hearing his snickering; Grimmjow got the message.

"The strawberry substitute shinigami with a strange tendency to get man-raped: Ichigo Kurosaki!!!" I roared with extra enthusiasm, as I named the last nominee.

"What the fuck?!?!" Ichigo practically screamed, "What fanfiction do I get raped in?!"

I winked, "In yaoi fanfiction, of course!"

And the crickets came back for an encore.

"You. Sick. _Perv_!" Ichigo said disgustedly.

I glared right at him and said, "As if you don't read yuri." and rolled my eyes.

"As if _you_ don't." Ichigo returned.

"I don't read it often. Besides, I got a straight male friend who reads yaoi, so why can't I read yuri?" I defended.

Ichigo was completely at a loss for words, which I took as a signal to continue, "And us girls love our yaoi, am I _right_?!"

The female population of the audience gleefully shrieked their reply (even Orihime. Who knew?).

"Anyway, point is, you have been raped in yaoi fanfics by Grimmjow, so bring you and your fucked-up ass up here!" I spoke. Ichigo reluctantly got up and grumbled as he walked up to the stage and stood next to Ulquiorra.

I nodded, satisfied. "The envelope please?"

I was handed an envelope by a stereotypical ninja, complete with a mask that only revealed the eyes and a black full body suit, who disappeared in a puff of smoke after handing me the envelope.

"And the winner is…" I ripped the envelope open, "Orihime Inoooouueeeee!!!" I shouted enthusiastically, dragging out the pronunciation.

"Yay!!!!" Orihime cheered while jumping up and down, "I won! I _won_!!! …….. Wait… _what_?!?!"

"_Now_ she gets it's a bad thing…" I said away from the microphone and rolled my eyes at her late realization, "Well, come up to accept your Bleachy Award!!!" I shouted into the microphone and took out an award that looked suspiciously like a new one-gallon jug of chlorine bleach spray painted gold.

Orihime gleefully took the heavy award in her hands. She was so _ecstatic_!

… that is, until…

"Imma fuck you up, bitch!" a cocky (no pun intended… you'll see what I mean in… oh, I'd say a couple of seconds…) voice came out of nowhere and the owner of the voice, none other than Nnoitra Jiruga, leapt onto the stage, toppling Orihime over, proceeding to rape her (and knocking the Bleachy out of her hands. What a waste of five dollars!).

"And… here you have it… folks… One of the characters who most often rapes Orihime in rape fics, Nnoitra Jiruga!!!" I said tentatively at first but gaining more confidence in my words soon after.

The crowd was silent.

"I said, _Nnoitra Jiruga_!!!" I repeated more firmly.

Floor two: women's undergarments, tampons, and stupid ass douches who can't take a hint!

"Clap, dammit!" I said through clenched teeth. The audience finally applauded, albeit hesitantly… took 'em long enough…

I was so happy with the delayed applause, that I didn't even notice Ulquiorra charging a cero at Nnoitra (who was still enjoying himself at Orihime's expense) at point-blank range until I saw a distinct green glow from my peripheral vision. I turned my head in his direction. "Ulquiorra, _no_!!!" I cried abruptly, tackling him immediately afterwards which ended up with us both on the ground in front of the stage.

Before Ulquiorra could even open his mouth, I said, "I'll take care of this." and got up off of him, climbing back onstage.

I then proceeded to take out a porno magazine, still wrapped in plastic and fresh from the bookstore, from behind my back.

"Nnoitra, I got porn." I said simply.

"I don't care, I got my own living sex toy right here."

"It's lezzy porn."

"Gimme!!!" the Quinto Espada cried as soon as I finished saying the last word, drool hanging from the corner of his mouth and a crazed look in his eyes.

"Quit fucking her and it's yours."

"Deal! Now give me the porno, bitch!"

I winked towards Ulquiorra and carelessly tossed the magazine behind me (and it unfortunately landed on Toshiro's table), "Oopsy!" I mocked faux-innocently.

Nnoitra leapt off of Orihime to the midget captain's table and grabbed his beloved tome of lesbian porn. He immediately opened the magazine and no sooner than he did, he stuffed his free hand into his hakama and began pleasuring himself. The male portion of the audience looked away in utter disgust, while the female portion (myself included, although I only took occasional glances and looked away the rest of the time) looked on in a strange mix of disgust and fangirlish fascination.

"Nnoitra! If you're gonna fuck yourself, don't do it here;" I shouted with my eyes shut, "do it in the men's bathroom or better yet, in front of Dora the Explorer!"

"I'm blind!!!" Toshiro screamed while in a fetal position on his chair (after all, he has what can unfortunately be called the best seat in the house. Poor Toshiro!), his eyes tightly shut and shakily muttered, "Go to your happy place, happy place…"

"And now let's welcome our special guest, Dora the Explorer!!!" I randomly roared, the little girl I hated so much coming out from behind the curtains.

I whispered something inaudible into her ear and she ran up to Nnoitra saying, "Hola senor, can I please have a piece of candy—Aahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!" and she ran off screaming, leaving a gaping hole in the wall as she ran away after seeing Nnoitra dancing with his own disco stick. I just burst into laughter.

"And—haha!—that's all the time we—pffft!—have; see ya for the next awarhorhorhord!!!" I guffawed.

A disturbed and wide-eyed Ichigo merely said, "We're fucking doomed…"


	2. Second Bleachy

_**A/N:**__ Ok. REALLY quick author's note because I have to go to bed in a few minutes. Yes, there are new pairings, yes the disclaimer is applied, and **no, nothing in this story is meant to cause offense if it does. Anything that may be offensive is only for purposes of comedy and I apologize if anyone is offended.** There is also an allusion or two._

_Thank you, peoples who reviewed the first chapter! 8D_

_Anyway!_

_Read, enjoy, and PLEASE review! ^^_

* * *

"Annnnnnnd… We're back! Welcome back to the Bleach Fanfiction awards, everyone!" I shouted into the microphone.

"Get off the stage!"

"Who said that?!" I snarled, scrutinizing the room, with narrowed eyes, "Was it _you_, grammaw?!"

Everyone happened to notice the little old lady in the corner of the room. The poor elderly woman remained silent. It was just then that I had a great epiphany, "How the hell did _she_ get in here…?"

…

Or not.

"Can we get the hell _on_ with this?!" Grimmjow muttered, "Buzz-Buzz and me were supposed to be screwing each others brains out by n—OWWW!" he shouted as two slender fingers tugged sharply at his ear.

"Jeagerjacquez! What the _fuck_ is _wrong_ with you?!"

"The fact that we're not fucking." Grimmjow snidely remarked.

"… You're incorrigible, you know that…? That aside, we said that 'Buzz-Buzz' was _not_ on the list of approved nicknames!" Soi Fon growled.

"Keh. Ya know ya want me, Buzz Babe." Grimmjow darkly chuckled.

"Anything with the word 'buzz' in it is automatically _not on the list_!!!" Soi Fon shouted.

"Relax, babe. We're at an awards ceremony. Don't make a scene." Grimmjow laughed.

I could've sworn I heard the tension in the air; it was crackling… Kinda like when you microwave a CD.

"Ahem!" I interrupted, "As much as a think you two are an awesome couple and as much as I enjoy watching you two argue—I'm actually regretting not making popcorn—I have an awards show to run, so can you two continue your little lover's spat _later_?" I made sure to ask just a little too nicely, to see if I could pull off that furious-while-looking-happy-as-can-be look that Retsu somehow manages. Note to self: Ask Retsu after the ceremony for pointers.

"So what's the next award anyway?" Ichigo asked, making sure to mutter, "You crazy bitch…" afterwards. I had to restrain myself from just tearing his balls off with my bare hands (or better yet, from asking Rukia to do it). He'll pay eventually, but for now…

"Next award is… 'Most Likely to Accidently Blow Up the Planet at a School Science Fair'!!!" I declared.

"If I ever blew up Earth, you can rest assured it would be no accident." Szayel muttered.

"Which, Szayel, is why you are one of the candidates!"

"Nominee." Random Nameless Shinigami #4,786 corrected.

"Tch! What_ever_! Nobody asked you, RNS number… sixty-nine, right?" I guessed.

"Kssht… Sixty-nine…" Grimmjow sniggered, attempting to hold in his laughter, and waggled his eyebrows suggestively to Soi Fon who only rolled her eyes.

"Why don't _we_ ever sixty-nine, Ichigo?" Rukia sighed. Ichigo gave her a strange look.

Orihime looked at the ceiling in deep thought. "Sixty… nine…? I don't get it…"

"You don't _need_ to get it, Hime-chan…" Ulquiorra muttered, hoping she wouldn't press the matter (at least until they were able to leave this God-forsaken award ceremony. Insert maniacal laughter here).

"Okay! First of all, _enough_ talk about sixty-nining; I'd prefer to keep this as _non_-sexually explicit as possible!" I finally intervened.

"There's a first…" Ichigo grumbled (motherfucking killjoy… I'll deal with him later, but for now…).

"You know what, Ichigo, you really need to shut the fu- is Nnoitra still jacking off?" I began but stopped when I noticed the aforementioned Espada performing the aforementioned action, "Nice stamina." I quickly noted before returning to the topic at hand.

"Okay! Second... You know what, _fuck_ this! There are only three damn scientists in this series, just come up and save me some trouble."

Mayuri waltzed up the stairs (no, seriously. He _waltzed_… and fell on his ass. Insert _more_ maniacal laughter here) to the stage.

"Did… Mayuri just…. waltz up the stairs…?" Kisuke implored.

"Uhhh…. no…" I attempted to cover up, "He… you…. Yoruichi did it!"

"What?!" Yoruichi blurted, "No I didn't!

I sweatdropped and tried to think of something, _anything_ to throw Kisuke off my tail (despite the fact he wasn't on either one).

"Alice." Kisuke said firmly, raising an eyebrow.

I giggled nervously before sighing in defeat. "Alright… you got m—oh my freaking God, is that the _Hogyouku_?!" I gasped, pointing in some random direction.

"The _Hogyouku_?! Wher—"

"Author powers, _activate_!!! Shape of, a _Magikarp_!!!" I shouted, my arms out straight in front of me and my fingers wiggling in a rather ridiculous fashion. In a small poof of smoke, a sticky note appeared attached to my hand. I removed said note and read it.

"_I.O.U: 1 Magical Transformation of Another Person for Comedic Purposes_

_Love, God."_

My eyebrow twitched and I shook my fist at the ceiling. "_Hey_! I won that bet _fair and square_!!! I was _guaranteed_ use of your powers _at any time, day_ or _night, twenty-four seven three hundred sixty-five days a year _or_, on leap years, three hundred sixty-six days a year_!!! Even on holidays, including during Lent, Christmas, New Years Eve, New Years Day, Easter Sunday, _and_ when your eating pizza from Dominos!!!"

Another sticky note poofed onto my hand. Of course, I read it.

"_I.O.U: 1 Explanation"_

Seeing how Kisuke _wasn't _turned into a Magikarp, I was looking pretty damn stupid at the moment. So, to redeem myself, I used the mother of all anime clichés: I whacked Kisuke upside the head with a giant rice mallet!

Needless to say, it was more than effective.

"Yoru-chan, can you suck my cock again…? I love how you do it…" Kisuke asked in a half-conscious daze, falling to the floor with a thud shortly afterwards.

Yoruichi facepalmed in mortification that her lover just said that. I (and the rest of the audience), on the other hand, remained silent while the crickets were kind enough to put on a show for the rest of us.

"Uhh… Yeah… We'll be right back…" I laughed nervously.

_**!Intermission!**_

An announcer appeared, seemingly from thin air (oh great… an _infomercial_…)

"Has _this_ ever happened to _you_?!" he asked and pointed towards the audience.

"Oh no. Life sucks. I can't take it anymore. Pause and sigh for dramatic effect." Ulquiorra read robotically from a teleprompter, "I wish to end my meaningless existence, but I cannot find a knife, pill bottle, gun, hangman's noose, tube of crazy glue (_**A/N:**__ I actually put some crazy glue on the bristles of a small paintbrush once and, I swear, it started _smoking_. If crazy glue does that to a _paintbrush_, I would think it can be used to commit suicide) or_ other object that could be used to end one's life. Oh me, oh my. What ever shall I do?"

"Well, random suicidal maniac who just so happens to look emo! Try the Petite Mort!" a disembodied voice announced.

"'The Petite Mort'…? Isn't that the French euphemism for an orgas—"

"That's _right_!" The Petite Mort! It's a small device that can be installed—I mean—surgically implanted into your brain! Whenever you're having suicidal thoughts, the Petite Mort activates, conveniently killing you slowly _and_ painfully!" the announcer continued, ignoring the fact that Ulquiorra ignored the teleprompter.

"…" Ulquiorra said.

"Get the Petite Mort _today_!!! Side effects include premature aging, wrinkles, spontaneous combustion, unwanted death, sexual arousal, the urge to become a porn star, explosive diarrhea, melting, and pregnancy."

"This commercial… is ridiculous…" Ulquiorra practically snarled.

_**!End of Intermission!**_

"Sorry about that folks! Since, Kisuke has been disposed of—I mean—disqualified, the envelope please?"

Yet another sticky note appeared on my hand. "What _now_?!"

"_I.O.U: The Results for Who Won This Chapter's Bleach Award._

_Love, God."_

"Grrr…" I growled, "The winner is Szayel! If anyone needs me, I'll be in my God-dang trailer!"

I stomped off the stage and to my trailer.

The audience was quiet for several moments.

"Let's get the hell outta here!" Ichigo shouted.

"The doors and windows are all locked with kido. Nice try though." I called through the P.A. system installed in the auditorium.

"… Shit…" Ichigo growled.

"See you for the next award peoples! Alice out!" I announced

The P.A system turned off.

Szayel only stood there, pondering something. "Wait… Where's my Bleachy?!"


End file.
